First Draft - Jerry Jones Letter to Goodell

CONFERDENTIAL
Mr. Roger Goodell
Komishner of the Most High
National Football League

Dere Suh:
Caint but hep bit notize that u, Mr. Hervard Law Scool Big Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot n BoTie Komishner, has certin tiems that u peers to be biazed towurd. Kuld be cuze dose tiems liv n ur neck o de wuuds, ur just fan uh ders because ur alwys attindas dere games? Ur dey kizz up to u( and u kizz up to dem) at meetins uh de onwers? I.E., urruh, dat eetsy beetsy fyne ginst Bellycheck fur $500,000 fur takin movin picturs of da fence signzs.

Now compare that to the time u directly tole me n Beary to git rid of his kollection of the same type of movie pictures ur face millions in fines and suspended players with good speedquickness. Cause of u I had to get rid of Beary and he had to send all of his movies to de Anita Hill Memorial librrary at Zero U. Frankly, I think ur a little biased cause wer just not as poplar down here with the Jew York Medgia.

Further, whin I considur haw u treated Pac-Man n his boyes, ur specially biased. Look, I cain't hep it if u doesnt know whut a "rain danze" is. U shoulda wint to wun of dem facny east coast bidness scool, not Hervard law scool. Dat's where I sint Jerri, Jr., til he cum home talkin all proper n what not bout de "frunt yahd" and "pie r squre" not roun like even my ignorunt maid Bessie know better (unles it be a cobbler). Atter all, de bidness scool and law scools dey wuz both cross de street frum ech n otter. Culdn't u seen that Hervard bidness scool car lot had dem fancy eyetalion cars and the law scool had all dem bikes?

Den, New Englande wint n uppded Bellycheck's paychik de week aster ur so callyed "fiyne", and left u you lookin like the idiut u trooly is. I did my bess to cova fur u down here with the local Texas medgia, but u left me lookin like an idiut 2 wich atter dat Pizza commerzial, I was awreddy in deep doo-doo nnyhow with my snutie High Land Purkk nabors for doing my hip hop danze. Joan n me kaint even gitta invite to Humneka, let lone Kristhmus purdies dis yr.

Then whut bout Tank and his suspense? N whut bout that Lanta boy? No
soule in Texas unnerstans atter I trys n trys splainin. Hell you woulda had to lock up de haf de state of Texas if you put peeples in de pin who drove drunk, fought dogs, and kep guns n East Texas, let lone Arkinsaw. Meenwhile, nuttins done about all dem NASTYCAR fans in Carlina. Whin dey aint racin for money dey is doin nuttin but racin jist for the hell of it, drinkin, huntin, and dog fightin. Ole Abe Lincoln (whoo I unnerstan is ur heroo) once said hisself Caralina was "too small for a state, too big for an insane asylum".

Well , Mr. Big Hervard law scool Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot Komishner and BoTie, dere is curtain tiems out dere like Dallus Cawboyes that are watchin U. U coulda put a staytement in dere more den a cuple of lines bout "How Bout Dem Cawboyes kickin the pants off dem Gints" (in dere houze, where dere chilrens play with dere toyes).

Dat simply meens dis: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

I red that sumwher n I likes it! Cept how else wuz I gwine to git tha big ass stadjum n all dem rodes up to it bilt? Meanwhile, Texas is spendin $2 billion grinbacks on my stadjum and my rodes ( Hell, I is spendin $10 million myonself after tax bakes cordin to dem fancy pant liars I hired from Dallas whew screem evrytyme dey getsa paperkut) rightcher in Arlen,Texas, and you wana sind my tiem to Angland wher dey use goats and sheeps to kut de grasss n dem folkes caint even spk r spll Anglish and wurst confus the pernt after kicke as de tuchdwn!

Enuff is Enuff. Wer puttin you own notice--dere be a new Sheriff in dis her towne, and his name is Jerri Jones. And dat is spelled with a "y",and don't you furget it! [I jist forgets wher to put that Y, so why donctha use that fancy Hervard law scool dyploma for sumpin youseful and stick it where it goes!

/s/ "X"
CEO and Prezyidint
Dallas Cawboys aka "Americuz's Tiem" (also natl sponsor of fightin pit bulls of Americuh)

Why Deceptive Speed

Two Words - Ethnic Narcissism. And what pray tell is "ethnic narcissim?" Simply, it's the desire to see a representative of our particular ethnicity succeed in their respective endeavors. So, when it comes to sports, ethnic narcissism occurs with the unconventional, if not unusual, occurence of an athlete who looks like us, succeeds or has some modicum of success, which allows us to root for ourselves.

Those who know, know what I'm talking about. But for those who don't, prime examples of this phenomenon are exhibited in film: i.e. Rocky's I-III, Glory Road, Raging Bull, Bingo-Long's Travelling All-Stars, and The Great White Hope, just to name a few.

In reality, ethnic narcissism is the reason why you rooted for either the celtics or the lakers during the 80's, why you wanted BOTH Indy and Chicago in last year's superbowl, or why you HATE the Allen Iversons, Michael Irvins, the T.O.'s and all their progeny while simultaneously wonder why they cant' be more like Wes Welker, Brett Farvre, Cal Ripken, Jr. or every NHL player that ever lived.

In short, the media, dominated by the anglo male 45-65, loves the unconventional white athlete. And, for these reasons, the media has forever placed in our subconcious reverence for the white athlete with the following catch phrases. Please read along, enjoy the commentary, and listen to the announcer who loves to place a special plug for the regular guy making $2Million a year is a pro athlete.

50. The obvious - He's got "deceptive speed."
49. "Motor never stops runnin" - Superior effort making up for lack of talent.
48. "Coaches describe him as extremely coachable" - Not only redundant...but just plain stupid.
47. "He's smart with the ball" - Now...superior intellect making up for lack of talent.
46. "He's a gym rat" - Once again, 'e' for effort.
45. "He's elusively quick" - Just another way of saying deceptively fast
44. "Heady" - HHMMM...more Intellect
43. "Leader off and on the field" - Meaning, this is why he gets paid
42. "Contributes in immeasurable ways" - Meaning we're looking for a stat to justify his pay
41. "You can't coach his desire" - Which is interesting for an athlete that's extremely coachable
40. "Model athlete and citizen" - Doesn't drink, do strip clubs, tote AK-47's, etc.
39. "Locker room guy" - see no. 43.
38. "Great hands and feet" - As opposed to club hands and feet for those other professional athletes
37. "Business-like" - For the regular guy who amazingly confuses his own life and employment status with that of a professional athlete
36. "Workman-like" - Interchangeable with business-like...depending on whether you're blue collar or white collar...speaking of...
35. "Blue Collar Guy"
34. "Brings his lunch pale" - Right after he gets out of his $150,000.00 Bentley
33. "Unselfish with the ball" - Probably because he's 5'11'' and can't shoot
32. "Student of the game" - What's that mean?
31. "Historian of the game" - No, really, what the hell does that mean?
30. "Brings it on every play" - Define 'it'
29. "Excercises good judgment" -
28. "Sacrifices mind and body on every play" - I guess that's what 'it' is but is that really excercising good judgment?
27. "Never seems to tire" - Sure when your focusing on him 5 out of 48 minutes
26. "Never says quit" - Nice
25. "Never takes plays off"
24. "Never flashy"
23. "Never calls attention to himself" - And Never gets that $1Million Nike Contract because you don't know him
22. "Seems to get underestimated" - Because he doesn't have shoe deal
21. "Seems to get overlooked" - Only when the media mentions it 100 times during the game
20. "Definitely underpaid" - After Billion Dollar Deals with NBC, ABC, Fox, and CBS, aren't they all underpaid?
19. "Has plenty of want to" -
18. "One of the sharpest guys in the leauge" - Back to the intellect
17. "Strong for his size" - Media loves the underdog
16. "Makes up for his size by playmaking ability" - Meaning your fat butt can run with these pros as well....Not
15. "Is always in the right position to make plays" - Guess all I need to do is watch film to be at the right position to make plays.
14. "Pillar of the community" - Meaning his posse wouldn't show up in my neighborhood if they lived here
13. "Understands his place on the team" - Look, it's the 5'11" mascot again
12. "He's always team" - Commentary for the anti-Kobi people (honestly...Kobi ranks 7th on the plus/minus list for basketball players...who's No.1? - Steve Nash????) who would you rather have?
11. "He's all about W's" - And $$$
10. "Respects the game" - Right after studying the history of the game...now I get it.
9. "Respects his teammates"
8. "You can't measure the heart of this guy"
7. "Lives for the game"
6. "Lives for his teammates"
5. "Breathes _________ (insert sport)" - and enhales steroids
4. "Burns the midnight oil preparing for the next opponent" - Guess that 's why he's coachable
3. "Plays to his strengths"
2. "Let's the game come to him" - and finally
1. He's OLD SCHOOL - When that school was pre-Brown v. Board

Paper or Plastic, Ma'am?

For years I could never precisely determine when football season started. First day of Camp? First Preseason game? First regular season game? Then I met my wife and now I have a simple formula for determing the beginning of the season: Her first hilarious sports comment.

This year the season started exactly four minutes before the kick-off of the Hall of Fame game during that Train-guy's singing of the National Anthem. We are eating chili and up on the screen pops a shot of Big Ben, chewing gum and kinda humming the words and the wife casually says: "Paper or plastic, Ma'am?" And I lose it. Awesome.

Big Ben may have a laser arm, plenty of 'natural instincts', etc. but like all Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl quarterbacks he'd have trouble spelling CAT if you spotted him the A and the T.

Here's to you, Ben! Now, I'm ready for some football.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Sometimes, everything goes absolutely perfect and, no matter what you do, like say, grab Tony Parker's face and Nesterovic's shorts simultaneously, nothing bad happens (In this case, a 'no-call' steal by the Mavs). Sometimes Manu Ginobili is called for an offensive foul after you elbow him hard enough to draw blood. Sometimes, the other team's back-up point guard inexplicably gets himself thrown out in the first quarter. Sometimes you hack Tim Duncan so hard and so often that the refs just stop calling fouls. Sometimes the other guys can't make lay-ups while you drain every turn-around, off-balance, buzzer-beating prayer you throw up.

You should really, really, really enjoy these very rare moments.

Gutless Mavs Cry "I got Tyson-ed!"

Ya know, at one point last night, I found myself screaming at the TV in the Command Center...during a regular season NBA game. I was shocked but what was probably most shocking was what I was screaming about.

It wasn't Bruce Bowen's perpetual, un-called fouling on Dirk Nowitzki. It wasn't the perpetual, un-called 35 seconds in the lane of Nasir Mohammed.

It was: "OMFG, Dampier! Were you just born a moron or did it take hard work and effort to get to this point?!?!?"
and
"OMFG, Nowitzki! Bowen's giving up four inches and a ton of talent yet you're whining like a little b***ch: 'But, Dick (Bavetta)......he's FOULING me......'"

Dallas went in, just like Barkeley said, pumped and gunning for this game; a playoff atmosphere for Dallas but, for SA, just another day at the office. Could they keep it up, on the road, for four quarters? No, the 'keep-it-up' answer is 3 quarters after which I saw the same tired whiners that I saw last year in Game 6 versus Phoenix.

It's like Avery hasn't coached here at all and I'm transported back in time 6 years, watching Nellie come off the bench and chest thump Karl Malone at mid-court (2nd row for that one, baby!)...like chest thumping Karl Malone was going to help Shawn Bradley's inane play or incessant whining over so-called 'no-calls'??!?

I was disappointed on so many levels and reading Stackhouse's Holmgren-esque whining just makes it worse. Since when is "I got Tyson-ed" (reg required) an excuse for "I played like a bitch in the fourth quarter"? Perhaps Jerry never played 'no-blood-no-foul' street ball like Robert "Six Championship Skins Nailed to My Den Wall" Horry.

Before I went to bed, I made a vow that somehow, someway I would make the Mavericks pay for the nearly 3 hours of my life they made pointless due to the last 12 minutes of that game. Perhaps my deep fascination with the Bulls vs. Pistons series of old gave me too high of hopes for this one but, darnit, I expected better.

When Keepin’ It Real Goes Bad

Bryant Gumbel and the Winter Olympics

When Deceptive Speed (AKA the J-Man) and I put our concept together for this blog, we understood its purpose….Bitchn’!!!! And more specifically, Bitchn’ about the people, places and things that drive us crazy with regards to that ultimate past time – American Sport.

Bitchn’ is what we do in sport. It’s in our nature. It’s who we are.

Some simple examples –

When Pittsburgh won the superbowl (Go Stillers), instead of reveling in victory, we all bitched about the refs and how we were cheated out of a good game.

When Texas won a National Title…same song different verse.

When the Redsox won the World Series….after 80 years of bitchn’, we bitched about not having anything to bitch about. Now ain’t that a bitch?

So, what am I to bitch about now….yo boy, Bryant Gumbel. Did you hear what he said about the winter Olympics? And I QUOTE:

"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. Try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. And try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won ... So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin."

Brother, Brother, Brother!!!????

Regardless of the fact that I agree with most, NOT ALL, of the things Mr. Gumbel has said, it drives me crazy when my man tries Keepn’ It Real by doubling down on the race card.

Sure, it’s true, it’s easy to play where’s ma nigga-Waldy during the winter games…and sports that my grandmother could dominate are completely un-watchable. Like that game curling – as much as my grandma beat my arss with a broom, she’d be awesome at sweeping away ice. Paaalllleeezz.

But…reality is there are aspects of the Winter Olympics I enjoy.

For example - Pairs Figure Skating. Have you seen the face plants in that sport…same thing with Luge and Bobsledding….Dude, it’s like watchn’ the 3^rd lap of the Daytona 500…A kind of excitement you can only get when there’s death and destruction…Oh yeah, let’s not forget the wipe-outs during the down hill runs….A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Oh, and the best thing about the Winter Olympics – all the new x-games America dominates despite the fact those kids smoked more hash than all the NBA players combined.

But I digress…Yo Boy Bryan….What can one say?

First of all, I have a problem with the disassociation with the original Greek games. Frankly, I don’t want to go back to the days when greased up naked Greek men were wrestling in the dirt. And I don’t believe the Greeks new anything about basketball, softball, or any other sport this country commercially endorses during the summer games.

Second of all, if you don’t think some these folks are great athletes (despite little pink packets of sugar in pockets of the male ice skaters), you try skating for 20 minutes as fast as you can over a 5,000 meter distance, or flying down a mountain at 85 mph. Yes, some of the games might be hokey, or even hockey, but these are athletes.

But, I guess my biggest problem with Bryan is this guy slappin’ down the race card at the turn. Well, because it’s Bryan…Look, he’s been INCOGNEGRO for 3 decades, and now, he’s usin’ the bully pulpit to Keep It Real? This is the boy with memberships to the country club, and he’ll be the first to tell you about all his degrees for journalism….Not to mention the wife who lacks a little pigmentation there, buddy.

To quote the Geico Caveman, Bryan….”Next time, do a little research”

Memo to Stern: Yao Can Speako El Englisho

So we're pounding down booze and watching the NBA All Star game, like ya do when there's nothing going on after the Daytona 500, and Yao Ming comes on with T Mac to say a few words to the hometown crowd. T Mac gives his shout outs, hands the mike to Yao, and, holy scheisse, Yao starts babbling on in perfectly fluent English. Wow!

But, of course, the NBA wouldn't be the NBA unless it did something dumb. Two seconds after Yao starts talking the network starts rolling SUBTITLES!?!?!?!?! Did no one bother to ask Yao maybe: "Hey Dude, can you speak English?" Might be kinda vaguely relevant, especially since they went to all that trouble to a) ask him what he was going to say and b) make up subtitles for it.

What I want to know is: Did they ask him in Chinese what he was going to say in English and then translate the Chinese to English subtitles? Or, more hilarious yet, did they TELL HIM in Chinese what he was going to say, make up sub titles and then sit there stunned as he read the lines in perfect English? I mean, if they asked him straight up: "Hey Dude, what are you going to say so we can make up subtitles?" and he answered in perfect English, wouldn't the whole thing be moot? I'm betting they never bothered to ask...

Charles Robinson on Jay Cutler's "Deceptive Mobility" and "intangibles"

I'm sure Charles Robinson's "A Culter Above" is meant as harmless pre-draft fluff in the gushing variety of "football-writers-with-nothing-to-do-after-the-Pro-Bowl". I read the article of my own voalition, knowing this was the likely case. What I didn't expect was Robinson's ground breaking development of a new white quarterback cliche: "While his size (6-foot-3, 223 pounds) suggests a pure pocket passer, Cutler has deceiving mobility." The fact that he was an OPTION QUARTERBACK notwithstanding.

Robinson couldn't help himself with a few others: "he doesn't have the bundle of raw potential and athleticism of (Vince) Young" and this one (Both KJ and I said: WTF?): "a way, Cutler is a balance of the two – with better arm strength than Leinart and the tools to run a more conventional offense than Young."

So we learn that a #1 QB from a #1 national program who has spent 5 years in college under the #1 coaching staff in college football who, BY THE WAY, won back to back Rose Bowls, is a bundle of Raw Potential but a QB from a fifth rate program who spent half his time in college running the pro-favorite OPTION offense has Better Tools to run a Conventional Offense?? I'm sure that Young's delightfully chocolate demeanor has nothing to do with it...

Lucy, you have some explaining to do.

Deceptive Speed Babbles About Himself

KJ and I have been talking about this blog on and off for five years. We are great lovers of the 'sports cliche' and how, in spite of years of evidence to the contrary, sports journalists and fans will cling to cliche over fact. (Black quarterbacks have natural instincts and raw talent whereas white quarterbacks have deceptive speed and 'smarts' to name but one of many).

Anyway, we're going to start posting our favorites. Let us know what you think and please, please, please send us all of the ones we miss. The entertainment value is incalculable.

Deceptive Speed

KJ is Raw Athleticism

Before and after, images of KJ (Raw Athleticism) from St. Patrick's Day (if you've never been to St. Paddy's in Big D, it's worth the trip. Imagine 200,000 German-Americans and Mexican-Americans celebrating a holiday that has no intrinisic meaning other than public drunkeness and lewdness. I'm talking parades of strippers on flatbed trucks, clowns with squirt guns full of tequilla, bands/keggers in random people's front yards, and, in true Southern style, shut down the streets, turn up the tunes, and get slam-dancingly hammered.).

KJ is a lawyer and long time Hoop It Up competitor.
Raw Athleticism