Wednesday, November 14, 2007

First Draft - Jerry Jones Letter to Goodell

Mr. Roger Goodell
Komishner of the Most High
National Football League
Dere Suh:
Caint but hep bit notize that u, Mr. Hervard Law Scool Big Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot n BoTie Komishner, has certin tiems that u peers to be biazed towurd. Kuld be cuze dose tiems liv n ur neck o de wuuds, ur just fan uh ders because ur alwys attindas dere games? Ur dey kizz up to u( and u kizz up to dem) at meetins uh de onwers? I.E., urruh, dat eetsy beetsy fyne ginst Bellycheck fur $500,000 fur takin movin picturs of da fence signzs.
Now compare that to the time u directly tole me n Beary to git rid of his kollection of the same type of movie pictures ur face millions in fines and suspended players with good speedquickness. Cause of u I had to get rid of Beary and he had to send all of his movies to de Anita Hill Memorial librrary at Zero U. Frankly, I think ur a little biased cause wer just not as poplar down here with the Jew York Medgia.
Further, whin I considur haw u treated Pac-Man n his boyes, ur specially biased. Look, I cain't hep it if u doesnt know whut a "rain danze" is. U shoulda wint to wun of dem facny east coast bidness scool, not Hervard law scool. Dat's where I sint Jerri, Jr., til he cum home talkin all proper n what not bout de "frunt yahd" and "pie r squre" not roun like even my ignorunt maid Bessie know better (unles it be a cobbler). Atter all, de bidness scool and law scools dey wuz both cross de street frum ech n otter. Culdn't u seen that Hervard bidness scool car lot had dem fancy eyetalion cars and the law scool had all dem bikes?
Den, New Englande wint n uppded Bellycheck's paychik de week aster ur so callyed "fiyne", and left u you lookin like the idiut u trooly is. I did my bess to cova fur u down here with the local Texas medgia, but u left me lookin like an idiut 2 wich atter dat Pizza commerzial, I was awreddy in deep doo-doo nnyhow with my snutie High Land Purkk nabors for doing my hip hop danze. Joan n me kaint even gitta invite to Humneka, let lone Kristhmus purdies dis yr.
Then whut bout Tank and his suspense? N whut bout that Lanta boy? No
soule in Texas unnerstans atter I trys n trys splainin. Hell you woulda had to lock up de haf de state of Texas if you put peeples in de pin who drove drunk, fought dogs, and kep guns n East Texas, let lone Arkinsaw. Meenwhile, nuttins done about all dem NASTYCAR fans in Carlina. Whin dey aint racin for money dey is doin nuttin but racin jist for the hell of it, drinkin, huntin, and dog fightin. Ole Abe Lincoln (whoo I unnerstan is ur heroo) once said hisself Caralina was "too small for a state, too big for an insane asylum".

Well , Mr. Big Hervard law scool Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot Komishner and BoTie, dere is curtain tiems out dere like Dallus Cawboyes that are watchin U. U coulda put a staytement in dere more den a cuple of lines bout "How Bout Dem Cawboyes kickin the pants off dem Gints" (in dere houze, where dere chilrens play with dere toyes).
Dat simply meens dis: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!
I red that sumwher n I likes it! Cept how else wuz I gwine to git tha big ass stadjum n all dem rodes up to it bilt? Meanwhile, Texas is spendin $2 billion grinbacks on my stadjum and my rodes ( Hell, I is spendin $10 million myonself after tax bakes cordin to dem fancy pant liars I hired from Dallas whew screem evrytyme dey getsa paperkut) rightcher in Arlen,Texas, and you wana sind my tiem to Angland wher dey use goats and sheeps to kut de grasss n dem folkes caint even spk r spll Anglish and wurst confus the pernt after kicke as de tuchdwn!
Enuff is Enuff. Wer puttin you own notice--dere be a new Sheriff in dis her towne, and his name is Jerri Jones. And dat is spelled with a "y",and don't you furget it! [I jist forgets wher to put that Y, so why donctha use that fancy Hervard law scool dyploma for sumpin youseful and stick it where it goes!
/s/ "X"
CEO and Prezyidint
Dallas Cawboys aka "Americuz's Tiem" (also natl sponsor of fightin pit bulls of Americuh)

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Why Deceptive Speed

Two Words - Ethnic Narcissism. And what pray tell is "ethnic narcissim?" Simply, it's the desire to see a representative of our particular ethnicity succeed in their respective endeavors. So, when it comes to sports, ethnic narcissism occurs with the unconventional, if not unusual, occurence of an athlete who looks like us, succeeds or has some modicum of success, which allows us to root for ourselves.

Those who know, know what I'm talking about. But for those who don't, prime examples of this phenomenon are exhibited in film: i.e. Rocky's I-III, Glory Road, Raging Bull, Bingo-Long's Travelling All-Stars, and The Great White Hope, just to name a few.

In reality, ethnic narcissism is the reason why you rooted for either the celtics or the lakers during the 80's, why you wanted BOTH Indy and Chicago in last year's superbowl, or why you HATE the Allen Iversons, Michael Irvins, the T.O.'s and all their progeny while simultaneously wonder why they cant' be more like Wes Welker, Brett Farvre, Cal Ripken, Jr. or every NHL player that ever lived.

In short, the media, dominated by the anglo male 45-65, loves the unconventional white athlete. And, for these reasons, the media has forever placed in our subconcious reverence for the white athlete with the following catch phrases. Please read along, enjoy the commentary, and listen to the announcer who loves to place a special plug for the regular guy making $2Million a year is a pro athlete.

50. The obvious - He's got "deceptive speed."
49. "Motor never stops runnin" - Superior effort making up for lack of talent.
48. "Coaches describe him as extremely coachable" - Not only redundant...but just plain stupid.
47. "He's smart with the ball" - Now...superior intellect making up for lack of talent.
46. "He's a gym rat" - Once again, 'e' for effort.
45. "He's elusively quick" - Just another way of saying deceptively fast
44. "Heady" - HHMMM...more Intellect
43. "Leader off and on the field" - Meaning, this is why he gets paid
42. "Contributes in immeasurable ways" - Meaning we're looking for a stat to justify his pay
41. "You can't coach his desire" - Which is interesting for an athlete that's extremely coachable
40. "Model athlete and citizen" - Doesn't drink, do strip clubs, tote AK-47's, etc.
39. "Locker room guy" - see no. 43.
38. "Great hands and feet" - As opposed to club hands and feet for those other professional athletes
37. "Business-like" - For the regular guy who amazingly confuses his own life and employment status with that of a professional athlete
36. "Workman-like" - Interchangeable with business-like...depending on whether you're blue collar or white collar...speaking of...
35. "Blue Collar Guy"
34. "Brings his lunch pale" - Right after he gets out of his $150,000.00 Bentley
33. "Unselfish with the ball" - Probably because he's 5'11'' and can't shoot
32. "Student of the game" - What's that mean?
31. "Historian of the game" - No, really, what the hell does that mean?
30. "Brings it on every play" - Define 'it'
29. "Excercises good judgment" -
28. "Sacrifices mind and body on every play" - I guess that's what 'it' is but is that really excercising good judgment?
27. "Never seems to tire" - Sure when your focusing on him 5 out of 48 minutes
26. "Never says quit" - Nice
25. "Never takes plays off"
24. "Never flashy"
23. "Never calls attention to himself" - And Never gets that $1Million Nike Contract because you don't know him
22. "Seems to get underestimated" - Because he doesn't have shoe deal
21. "Seems to get overlooked" - Only when the media mentions it 100 times during the game
20. "Definitely underpaid" - After Billion Dollar Deals with NBC, ABC, Fox, and CBS, aren't they all underpaid?
19. "Has plenty of want to" -
18. "One of the sharpest guys in the leauge" - Back to the intellect
17. "Strong for his size" - Media loves the underdog
16. "Makes up for his size by playmaking ability" - Meaning your fat butt can run with these pros as well....Not
15. "Is always in the right position to make plays" - Guess all I need to do is watch film to be at the right position to make plays.
14. "Pillar of the community" - Meaning his posse wouldn't show up in my neighborhood if they lived here
13. "Understands his place on the team" - Look, it's the 5'11" mascot again
12. "He's always team" - Commentary for the anti-Kobi people (honestly...Kobi ranks 7th on the plus/minus list for basketball players...who's No.1? - Steve Nash????) who would you rather have?
11. "He's all about W's" - And $$$
10. "Respects the game" - Right after studying the history of the I get it.
9. "Respects his teammates"
8. "You can't measure the heart of this guy"
7. "Lives for the game"
6. "Lives for his teammates"
5. "Breathes _________ (insert sport)" - and enhales steroids
4. "Burns the midnight oil preparing for the next opponent" - Guess that 's why he's coachable
3. "Plays to his strengths"
2. "Let's the game come to him" - and finally
1. He's OLD SCHOOL - When that school was pre-Brown v. Board

Monday, August 06, 2007

Paper or Plastic, Ma'am?

For years I could never precisely determine when football season started. First day of Camp? First Preseason game? First regular season game? Then I met my wife and now I have a simple formula for determing the beginning of the season: Her first hilarious sports comment.

This year the season started exactly four minutes before the kick-off of the Hall of Fame game during that Train-guy's singing of the National Anthem. We are eating chili and up on the screen pops a shot of Big Ben, chewing gum and kinda humming the words and the wife casually says: "Paper or plastic, Ma'am?" And I lose it. Awesome.

Big Ben may have a laser arm, plenty of 'natural instincts', etc. but like all Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl quarterbacks he'd have trouble spelling CAT if you spotted him the A and the T.

Here's to you, Ben! Now, I'm ready for some football.