Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Sometimes, everything goes absolutely perfect and, no matter what you do, like say, grab Tony Parker's face and Nesterovic's shorts simultaneously, nothing bad happens (In this case, a 'no-call' steal by the Mavs). Sometimes Manu Ginobili is called for an offensive foul after you elbow him hard enough to draw blood. Sometimes, the other team's back-up point guard inexplicably gets himself thrown out in the first quarter. Sometimes you hack Tim Duncan so hard and so often that the refs just stop calling fouls. Sometimes the other guys can't make lay-ups while you drain every turn-around, off-balance, buzzer-beating prayer you throw up.

You should really, really, really enjoy these very rare moments.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Gutless Mavs Cry "I got Tyson-ed!"

Ya know, at one point last night, I found myself screaming at the TV in the Command Center...during a regular season NBA game. I was shocked but what was probably most shocking was what I was screaming about.

It wasn't Bruce Bowen's perpetual, un-called fouling on Dirk Nowitzki. It wasn't the perpetual, un-called 35 seconds in the lane of Nasir Mohammed.

It was: "OMFG, Dampier! Were you just born a moron or did it take hard work and effort to get to this point?!?!?"
"OMFG, Nowitzki! Bowen's giving up four inches and a ton of talent yet you're whining like a little b***ch: 'But, Dick (Bavetta)......he's FOULING me......'"

Dallas went in, just like Barkeley said, pumped and gunning for this game; a playoff atmosphere for Dallas but, for SA, just another day at the office. Could they keep it up, on the road, for four quarters? No, the 'keep-it-up' answer is 3 quarters after which I saw the same tired whiners that I saw last year in Game 6 versus Phoenix.

It's like Avery hasn't coached here at all and I'm transported back in time 6 years, watching Nellie come off the bench and chest thump Karl Malone at mid-court (2nd row for that one, baby!) chest thumping Karl Malone was going to help Shawn Bradley's inane play or incessant whining over so-called 'no-calls'??!?

I was disappointed on so many levels and reading Stackhouse's Holmgren-esque whining just makes it worse. Since when is "I got Tyson-ed" (reg required) an excuse for "I played like a bitch in the fourth quarter"? Perhaps Jerry never played 'no-blood-no-foul' street ball like Robert "Six Championship Skins Nailed to My Den Wall" Horry.

Before I went to bed, I made a vow that somehow, someway I would make the Mavericks pay for the nearly 3 hours of my life they made pointless due to the last 12 minutes of that game. Perhaps my deep fascination with the Bulls vs. Pistons series of old gave me too high of hopes for this one but, darnit, I expected better.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

When Keepin’ It Real Goes Bad

Bryant Gumbel and the Winter Olympics

When Deceptive Speed (AKA the J-Man) and I put our concept together for this blog, we understood its purpose….Bitchn’!!!! And more specifically, Bitchn’ about the people, places and things that drive us crazy with regards to that ultimate past time – American Sport.

Bitchn’ is what we do in sport. It’s in our nature. It’s who we are.

Some simple examples –

When Pittsburgh won the superbowl (Go Stillers), instead of reveling in victory, we all bitched about the refs and how we were cheated out of a good game.

When Texas won a National Title…same song different verse.

When the Redsox won the World Series….after 80 years of bitchn’, we bitched about not having anything to bitch about. Now ain’t that a bitch?

So, what am I to bitch about now….yo boy, Bryant Gumbel. Did you hear what he said about the winter Olympics? And I QUOTE:

"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. Try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. And try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won ... So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin."

Brother, Brother, Brother!!!????

Regardless of the fact that I agree with most, NOT ALL, of the things Mr. Gumbel has said, it drives me crazy when my man tries Keepn’ It Real by doubling down on the race card.

Sure, it’s true, it’s easy to play where’s ma nigga-Waldy during the winter games…and sports that my grandmother could dominate are completely un-watchable. Like that game curling – as much as my grandma beat my arss with a broom, she’d be awesome at sweeping away ice. Paaalllleeezz.

But…reality is there are aspects of the Winter Olympics I enjoy.

For example - Pairs Figure Skating. Have you seen the face plants in that sport…same thing with Luge and Bobsledding….Dude, it’s like watchn’ the 3rd lap of the Daytona 500…A kind of excitement you can only get when there’s death and destruction…Oh yeah, let’s not forget the wipe-outs during the down hill runs….A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Oh, and the best thing about the Winter Olympics – all the new x-games America dominates despite the fact those kids smoked more hash than all the NBA players combined.

But I digress…Yo Boy Bryan….What can one say?

First of all, I have a problem with the disassociation with the original Greek games. Frankly, I don’t want to go back to the days when greased up naked Greek men were wrestling in the dirt. And I don’t believe the Greeks new anything about basketball, softball, or any other sport this country commercially endorses during the summer games.

Second of all, if you don’t think some these folks are great athletes (despite little pink packets of sugar in pockets of the male ice skaters), you try skating for 20 minutes as fast as you can over a 5,000 meter distance, or flying down a mountain at 85 mph. Yes, some of the games might be hokey, or even hockey, but these are athletes.

But, I guess my biggest problem with Bryan is this guy slappin’ down the race card at the turn. Well, because it’s Bryan…Look, he’s been INCOGNEGRO for 3 decades, and now, he’s usin’ the bully pulpit to Keep It Real? This is the boy with memberships to the country club, and he’ll be the first to tell you about all his degrees for journalism….Not to mention the wife who lacks a little pigmentation there, buddy.

To quote the Geico Caveman, Bryan….”Next time, do a little research”

Monday, February 20, 2006

Memo to Stern: Yao Can Speako El Englisho

So we're pounding down booze and watching the NBA All Star game, like ya do when there's nothing going on after the Daytona 500, and Yao Ming comes on with T Mac to say a few words to the hometown crowd. T Mac gives his shout outs, hands the mike to Yao, and, holy scheisse, Yao starts babbling on in perfectly fluent English. Wow!

But, of course, the NBA wouldn't be the NBA unless it did something dumb. Two seconds after Yao starts talking the network starts rolling SUBTITLES!?!?!?!?! Did no one bother to ask Yao maybe: "Hey Dude, can you speak English?" Might be kinda vaguely relevant, especially since they went to all that trouble to a) ask him what he was going to say and b) make up subtitles for it.

What I want to know is: Did they ask him in Chinese what he was going to say in English and then translate the Chinese to English subtitles? Or, more hilarious yet, did they TELL HIM in Chinese what he was going to say, make up sub titles and then sit there stunned as he read the lines in perfect English? I mean, if they asked him straight up: "Hey Dude, what are you going to say so we can make up subtitles?" and he answered in perfect English, wouldn't the whole thing be moot? I'm betting they never bothered to ask...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Charles Robinson on Jay Cutler's "Deceptive Mobility" and "intangibles"

I'm sure Charles Robinson's "A Culter Above" is meant as harmless pre-draft fluff in the gushing variety of "football-writers-with-nothing-to-do-after-the-Pro-Bowl". I read the article of my own voalition, knowing this was the likely case. What I didn't expect was Robinson's ground breaking development of a new white quarterback cliche: "While his size (6-foot-3, 223 pounds) suggests a pure pocket passer, Cutler has deceiving mobility." The fact that he was an OPTION QUARTERBACK notwithstanding.

Robinson couldn't help himself with a few others: "he doesn't have the bundle of raw potential and athleticism of (Vince) Young" and this one (Both KJ and I said: WTF?): "a way, Cutler is a balance of the two – with better arm strength than Leinart and the tools to run a more conventional offense than Young."

So we learn that a #1 QB from a #1 national program who has spent 5 years in college under the #1 coaching staff in college football who, BY THE WAY, won back to back Rose Bowls, is a bundle of Raw Potential but a QB from a fifth rate program who spent half his time in college running the pro-favorite OPTION offense has Better Tools to run a Conventional Offense?? I'm sure that Young's delightfully chocolate demeanor has nothing to do with it...

Lucy, you have some explaining to do.

Deceptive Speed Babbles About Himself

KJ and I have been talking about this blog on and off for five years. We are great lovers of the 'sports cliche' and how, in spite of years of evidence to the contrary, sports journalists and fans will cling to cliche over fact. (Black quarterbacks have natural instincts and raw talent whereas white quarterbacks have deceptive speed and 'smarts' to name but one of many).

Anyway, we're going to start posting our favorites. Let us know what you think and please, please, please send us all of the ones we miss. The entertainment value is incalculable.

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KJ is Raw Athleticism

Before and after, images of KJ (Raw Athleticism) from St. Patrick's Day (if you've never been to St. Paddy's in Big D, it's worth the trip. Imagine 200,000 German-Americans and Mexican-Americans celebrating a holiday that has no intrinisic meaning other than public drunkeness and lewdness. I'm talking parades of strippers on flatbed trucks, clowns with squirt guns full of tequilla, bands/keggers in random people's front yards, and, in true Southern style, shut down the streets, turn up the tunes, and get slam-dancingly hammered.).

KJ is a lawyer and long time Hoop It Up competitor.
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