First Draft - Jerry Jones Letter to Goodell

CONFERDENTIAL
Mr. Roger Goodell
Komishner of the Most High
National Football League

Dere Suh:
Caint but hep bit notize that u, Mr. Hervard Law Scool Big Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot n BoTie Komishner, has certin tiems that u peers to be biazed towurd. Kuld be cuze dose tiems liv n ur neck o de wuuds, ur just fan uh ders because ur alwys attindas dere games? Ur dey kizz up to u( and u kizz up to dem) at meetins uh de onwers? I.E., urruh, dat eetsy beetsy fyne ginst Bellycheck fur $500,000 fur takin movin picturs of da fence signzs.

Now compare that to the time u directly tole me n Beary to git rid of his kollection of the same type of movie pictures ur face millions in fines and suspended players with good speedquickness. Cause of u I had to get rid of Beary and he had to send all of his movies to de Anita Hill Memorial librrary at Zero U. Frankly, I think ur a little biased cause wer just not as poplar down here with the Jew York Medgia.

Further, whin I considur haw u treated Pac-Man n his boyes, ur specially biased. Look, I cain't hep it if u doesnt know whut a "rain danze" is. U shoulda wint to wun of dem facny east coast bidness scool, not Hervard law scool. Dat's where I sint Jerri, Jr., til he cum home talkin all proper n what not bout de "frunt yahd" and "pie r squre" not roun like even my ignorunt maid Bessie know better (unles it be a cobbler). Atter all, de bidness scool and law scools dey wuz both cross de street frum ech n otter. Culdn't u seen that Hervard bidness scool car lot had dem fancy eyetalion cars and the law scool had all dem bikes?

Den, New Englande wint n uppded Bellycheck's paychik de week aster ur so callyed "fiyne", and left u you lookin like the idiut u trooly is. I did my bess to cova fur u down here with the local Texas medgia, but u left me lookin like an idiut 2 wich atter dat Pizza commerzial, I was awreddy in deep doo-doo nnyhow with my snutie High Land Purkk nabors for doing my hip hop danze. Joan n me kaint even gitta invite to Humneka, let lone Kristhmus purdies dis yr.

Then whut bout Tank and his suspense? N whut bout that Lanta boy? No
soule in Texas unnerstans atter I trys n trys splainin. Hell you woulda had to lock up de haf de state of Texas if you put peeples in de pin who drove drunk, fought dogs, and kep guns n East Texas, let lone Arkinsaw. Meenwhile, nuttins done about all dem NASTYCAR fans in Carlina. Whin dey aint racin for money dey is doin nuttin but racin jist for the hell of it, drinkin, huntin, and dog fightin. Ole Abe Lincoln (whoo I unnerstan is ur heroo) once said hisself Caralina was "too small for a state, too big for an insane asylum".

Well , Mr. Big Hervard law scool Stuff Shirt Wit 3 Peece Soot Komishner and BoTie, dere is curtain tiems out dere like Dallus Cawboyes that are watchin U. U coulda put a staytement in dere more den a cuple of lines bout "How Bout Dem Cawboyes kickin the pants off dem Gints" (in dere houze, where dere chilrens play with dere toyes).

Dat simply meens dis: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

I red that sumwher n I likes it! Cept how else wuz I gwine to git tha big ass stadjum n all dem rodes up to it bilt? Meanwhile, Texas is spendin $2 billion grinbacks on my stadjum and my rodes ( Hell, I is spendin $10 million myonself after tax bakes cordin to dem fancy pant liars I hired from Dallas whew screem evrytyme dey getsa paperkut) rightcher in Arlen,Texas, and you wana sind my tiem to Angland wher dey use goats and sheeps to kut de grasss n dem folkes caint even spk r spll Anglish and wurst confus the pernt after kicke as de tuchdwn!

Enuff is Enuff. Wer puttin you own notice--dere be a new Sheriff in dis her towne, and his name is Jerri Jones. And dat is spelled with a "y",and don't you furget it! [I jist forgets wher to put that Y, so why donctha use that fancy Hervard law scool dyploma for sumpin youseful and stick it where it goes!

/s/ "X"
CEO and Prezyidint
Dallas Cawboys aka "Americuz's Tiem" (also natl sponsor of fightin pit bulls of Americuh)